Sunday, August 12, 2012

Captain's Log, Day 96: But I wish I was invulnerable!

          I've never had a problem with believing that I'm invulnerable. My active and klutzy lifestyle would have quickly debunked such notions in short order.
, I have a problem with believing that I will magically heal within thirty seconds. Like Wolverine. Except, sadly, I have no claws.

Subtract the claws and the coolness factor, and this is me on a daily basis.

          Fortunately for me, I do heal pretty quickly, which I tend to take unfair advantage of. My train of thought tends to go like this: Let's see, I have a game this weekend...and today is anything short of a broken bone should be fine. "YO NEMESIS!!! Wanna try out my new invention? I call it the Human Catapult! Just pull the trigger when I say FIRE!!!"
          Just kidding. I've never made a human catapult. On purpose. A vine and some really springy trees once made an accidental one. I cleared 20 feet. It was AWESOME!!!
          Oh, and by the way, a new law was formulated by my brother Nemesis and myself. It's called Midway's Law. "Anyone can FLY...but it takes a real genius to LAND." Originally, our law read "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong," but it turned out some guy named Murphy copywrited that one already. Lame. We've avoided such issues with our new law by doing absolutely no research whatsoever so as not to have our hopes dashed.

Yepp, that's me. Be warned, dangit!!!
          Today's epic decision was floating paper boats on the pond and attempting to blow them up with various reasoning being, any burns I could acquire should be reasonably healed by tomorrow so I can go to work. That was ALMOST put to the test, as one of the fireworks was a wee bit bigger than expected. Oopsies. 

...also me on a daily basis...
          Oh well, I'm sure there's a lesson here somewhere. I'll figure it out eventually...when I'm not designing my new SUPERLASER!!!! Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong there...

Okay, that's a half-finished Nerf gun...close enough...
          ...right?? RIGHT??? RII--

          By the way, check out Nick Spark's blog From the Mouth of a Sheep. His post was kind of the inspiration for this article (and is a whole lot better than mine!).

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Captain's Log, Day 95: Another Midnight Romp (at 1am)

          I defy anyone to sleep when the moon is shining STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR WINDOW AND INTO YOUR EYES.
          Well, that and I wasn't very tired to begin with. Time to fix that!
          I hopped out of bed and headed out of my room. I live in the basement of the house, so initially I didn't have to be too stealthy...which was a good thing, because I sideswiped the couch and wiped out.
          Klutziness taken care of for the night, I continued on my way upstairs to fetch my sister Quill, being incredibly more careful than I had been at first. Everyone else in my family were pretty heavy sleepers, so I wasn't too concerned about waking them up; but Squirrel slept with a half shi-tzu, half poodle (shi-poo) that never really liked me and barked his stupid little head off every time I approached. His name was Bobo, but upon returning home from college and seeing his size post-bath and how he got chased by the cat, I promptly dubbed him "Rodent." That thing was just too small to be a dog.
          I successfully avoided the squeaky step at the top of the stairs and carefully felt around for the doorknob to Quill's room. Easing the door open, I slipped inside and shut it behind me, thanking God that the Rodent hadn't started yipping. (I probably would have been severely tempted to drop-kicked him if he had.)
          There was a rustling noise from the bed, then a sleepy voice whispered, "Will?"
          I jumped, a bit startled. "You're awake?"
          "Yeah. What's up?"
          "Well, it's 12 at night--well, actually, it's closer to one at night, and I have insomnia, and the moon is REALLY STINKING BRIGHT, and it's really nice outside, at least I think it is, and we still haven't snuck outside yet this summer, so I was wondering if you wanted to come," I explained in a whisper, ungrammatically and without conciseness.
          Quill sat up. "Sure! Meet you downstairs!"
          "Gotcha. Beware the Rodent!" I warned melodramatically and vanished out the door to wait in the entryway.
          Quill joined me with gratifying promptness, so we headed out the back door through our ACTUAL dog's (Max, a golden retriever) bedroom, which was the mudroom.
          "One thing I'm glad about Maxie is that he never barks," Quill noted with approval as we slipped out the back door.
          "He did once," I snickered.
          "Really? When?"
          "Well, remember when I lived upstairs with Nemesis? I used to sneak down to the middle floor bathroom if I had to go. Well, one night, I scared Maxie and he barked, so I quickly ran into the bathroom to hide because I heard Dad coming down to check it out. Turns out Dad needed to use the bathroom too, so when he got into the bathroom and turned on the light, I was hiding behind the door!"
          Quill clapped her hands over her mouth to suppress a laugh. "Was he scared?"
          "Understatement. I probably gave him some grey hairs," I joked. "Let's go run out on the front lawn!"
          We had about 4 acres of front lawn, which was an inviting prospect for both of us. We took off, arms waving in such a manner that it would have been impossible for an observer to predict where they were going next. Once out on the front lawn, we did a bit of stargazing ("The Big Dipper...the North Star..." "There's the Archer. He looks like a teapot!") before deciding that the brightness of the Moon was really not going to be helpful in aiding our efforts in Astronomy.
          I closed my eyes. "Quill, count for me. I'm going to do that spinning thing."
          20 spins later, I wasn't too dizzy, but as soon as I opened my eyes and looked at the moon, I fell over like I'd been punched. I was laughing so hard I was having trouble breathing, so I didn't make any noise; but Quill had to once again hold her hands over her mouth to suppress her giggles.
          After I regained my balance, we walked over to the pond to see if we could scare up any frogs (no go). Then I suggested a short jaunt into the woods behind our house (five acres of that, too), but Quill shook her head. "Skunks," she said, by way of explanation.
          "Oh, come on," I urged. "If there are any, we'll smell them LONG before we see them! Well, you will anyway," I added as an afterthought, remember that I couldn't actually smell, a fact that the parental unit had taken advantage of on the several occasions Maxie had picked a fight with a skunk. Guess who got to wash him?
          "Fine...just a little ways," Quill conceded. "You go first."
          I snickered and took off. After we reached the limit of Quill's comfort zone, we turned around and came back. I mimed howling at the house, but Quill smacked me. "Shhhh! You'll wake up Bobo!"
          "You're right," I agreed. "Stupid Rodent would probably start yipping."
          "Think we should head in?"
          "Yeah, probably. I think I'm suitably tired now."
          We parted ways at the stairs; I went down, she went up. I don't remember actually getting back to my room...
          ...probably because I was sleepwalking at that point. I can fall asleep really fast....

Friday, August 3, 2012

Captain's Log, Day 94: NEVER!!! and some links...

          I got punched in the head by my brother Nemesis yesterday.
          I'm not really sure who to blame for that: Nemesis for not pulling the shot, or me for not blocking it. Don't worry, we weren't fighting...well, weren't seriously fighting...well....
          Nemesis and I are currently working on a stunt-action fighting sequence that we plan to film eventually (and will post up on here when it comes out). It's really fun to create, except for those moments where we both forget what we're supposed to be doing and end up wrestling. I'm naturally aggressive, so I have to be careful not to forget that this is FAKE combat; very difficult for me. Nemesis's naturally defensive, which is amusing because sometimes he blocks at shots that he thinks I might throw, leading to him actually hitting me, because I'm not expecting to get hit with a block, which just seems weird.
          It's part of the reason I love sparring; I really enjoy the chance to hit/be hit without repercussions...well, serious repercussions...well, from certain parental units who think that sibling fighting is a bad thing or something. I will admit that friend of mine accidentally knocked me out once, which was an educational and enlightening experience, and by "enlightening" I mean I saw lots and lots of bright lights swimming around my field of vision once I regained consciousness. It would have been an opportunity to do some mental astronomy and begin naming some of the constellations if it hadn't been for the fact that I had complete amnesia and short-term memory loss for the next thirty minutes. I suspect that I was very entertaining for everyone but my parents, who were naturally freaking out. Well, Mom was, anyway. Anyway, I recovered fairly quickly after I remembered who I was, but unfortunately I was not allowed to spar again because 1) Mom thought I needed to go to the hospital and 2) class had ended 15 minutes ago. My siblings were disappointed to discover that no one had taken video ("You mean it won't be on YOUTUBE?????").
          I will also admit to not knowing when to give up...or, to be more precise, knowing when to give up, which will be sometime after the universe comes to a screeching halt and the winged monkeys bring Elvis back. I.E. never. This do-or-die mentality can be amusing, but it's also led to fractured bones (in my foot, after a few sparring matches ago when my best kick got blocked by an elbow). This trait is so hardwired in me that Mom reported that it was hugely present after I woke up from anesthesia after my wisdom teeth were removed. Despite the return of complete amnesia and short-term memory loss, I was still insistent on driving the car. According to Mom (I can't remember), I kept telling her, "No, it's okay, I can drive! I'm fine," and then walking into walls. Okay, I actually said something like "Mo, if ofay, E n wive! Mm fn," as I still had gauze in my mouth, but I think I made my point. Mom drove.
          I guess this mentality is useful under certain circumstances, such as stupid stunts, new inventions, or the grill incident, which has led my siblings to allow me to try most things first, figuring that 1) I can take a lot of damage, like getting my hand crushed or having a rocket detonate in my lap, and 2) if I die, I'll probably deserve it because I'm a moron. (They're not far wrong...I mean, I hit up a storm sewer to get a frog. What does THAT say?)
          Alright, I'm done with the links, I promise. I just discovered that LINKING IS FUN!!!!
          So yeah, I'm headed off to practice my fighting sequence with Nemesis...and if anything funny happens, we'll put it up on YouTube. Wouldn't want to deprive the currently-absent parental unit of the fun of watching my younger brother knock me out....
          ...and does anyone know where the fire extinguisher is?