1. No shooting other crewmembers. (That privilege is reserved for the Captain, the First and Second Mate only. Just kidding…………maybe.)
2. Anyone who is caught shirking in battle will be punished.
3. Keelhauling is an acceptable punishment.
4. Okay, seriously, the punishment for an offender will be being tied upside-down to the mast while having ice cold water poured down his pants.
5. Happy hour is from 3:00 pm to 4:00 pm.
6. Define happy hour, please. (So this one isn't a rule, it's kind of a question. Do you have a problem with that??!!)
7. Sharing is prohibited, if prohibited means highly encouraged.
8. If, while doing target practice, you get shot by a person with lousy aim, it is perfectly acceptable to kill that person with (A) a stick or (B) by using the 16-inch guns so as to avoid a burial at sea (or on land, for that matter).
9. Pillow fights are only allowed on Saturday nights. (Do not hit anyone holding a firearm or you will regret it.)
10. Personal spaces must be kept tidy, or your possessions are at risk. (It's not stealin', it's salvaging!")
11. If a subordinate or a person of equal rank asks you to swab the deck, it is highly encouraged for you to do it. Please bear in mind that this rule does not state what—or who—you have to use for this task. The Captain doesn't care.
12. Do not—I repeat, do NOT—pull a plug out of anything other than the bathtub if you do not know what it leads to. (You're on a ship!! Duh!!)
13. Attention and respect for your senior officers is required at all times.
14. Foul language is NOT encouraged at any time. But, calling someone a hippopotamic land mass is okay. So is "pointy-haired buffoon."
15. Do not operate the guns unless you get specific permission from your senior officers. (It's just not a good idea. Trust me.) Same thing with all special equipment.
16. Take what you can and give nothing back.