URCARU
Or, How to Kill a Romance Novel
“Jonah…we need to talk.”
Jonah sat across the café table,
feeling an ominous sense of dread welling up inside him. Only a few days ago
had they met at this public hiding place, and his sweetheart had borne upon her
face an expression of matchless joy far more powerful than any of the gloomy
clouds of care. But today she sat in a winter of silence, and Jonah could feel
the cold from where he sat. It terrified him immeasurably, like he was on the
edge of a fog-obscured clifftop. “Hannah,” he ventured to ask, “is something
the matter?”
Hannah avoided his eyes, afraid her
confidant’s soul was now an abyss of deceit. “It’s nothing,” she lied, afraid
to confront her fears. “I…I don’t know if this is working out, that’s all.”
The cliff had been found – Jonah
felt the whole world vanish from under his feet. “Not working out?” he asked in
panicked disbelief. “Why? Is it something I did?”
“No, no,” she said, trying
desperately to preserve his heart. “I’m just not sure…I don’t know how much I
really mean to you anymore.”
“But why? I’m always with you! I
couldn’t imagine being with anyone else!”
“Could you?” Hannah looked up at
Jonah, the corners of her eyes ready to flood. “How can I trust you?”
Finally the potted plant on the
table had heard enough.
The couple’s argument was
unexpectedly cut off by a loud beep. Their gazes leaped to the small flowerpot
next to the water pitcher – its flowers had suddenly been sucked back into the
soil. What followed was a medley of clicks and whirring noises as the table
decoration split into segments, reconfiguring into an odd little machine with
tiny blue eyes and the figure of a squat sitting owl.
“[URCARU-Bot #55783 Online:
Situation detected. Scanning subjects for grievances and recent histories.]”
Jonah, being an ordinary human male,
was speechless at the robotic transformation of the tabletop ornament (and was
secretly wondering if any other of his everyday items were capable of this
feat), so it fell to Hannah to ask the Question. “Um…what are you?” she warily
asked the little machination.
In response, the bot projected an
image onto the table: a heart, cracked down the middle but being held together
with a padlock. The ex-decoration began his explanation in a fuzzy little voice.
“[I am an operative of the Unnecessary Romantic Complication Assessment and
Rectification Unit, URCARU. It has come to our unit’s attention that a
significant percentage of interpersonal complications have come about due to a
proliferation of mishandled situations that, under normal treatment, can be
defused without major damage to the relationship. However, in these modern
times (particularly in the cinematic arts), people have seemingly lost the
ability to repair these occurrences on their own, leading to an increase in
average social isolation and depression. URCARU-Bots are here to help,
mediating any uncomfortable scenarios until a beneficial result is achieved.]”
His tiny eyes blinked twice. “[Scan
completed. Structure of recent history compiled and sent to the Mainframe.]”
“Wait!” Jonah interjected. “Did you
just –“
“[Good news!]” URCARU-Bot
interrupted him. “[Mainframe has determined that your relationship with each
other is healthy enough to continue existing. Before your lives can continue,
however, the current complication must be rectified. Fortunately, the problem
appears to have a greater amount of miscommunication as a causal factor than
outright egotism. Solution: conversation.]” The robot stuck a stubby hand
towards Hannah. “[The lady shall commence. Party One: Please state in clear,
concise terms the nature of your grievance.]”
After an awkward pause, Hannah
decided that compliance would be the only path of escape. “Well…I saw Jonah in
school yesterday with Bethany Simkins. They’d taken one of the private study
rooms, just the two of them. I didn’t know what to think – I was too afraid to
ask what had happened, if Jonah was maybe getting tired of me…” she trailed
off.
“[Grievance noted.]” The little hand
shifted to Jonah. “[Party Two: Please explain your perspective of the
distressing event.]”
Jonah stared at his girlfriend in
disbelief. “What? You mean you got worked up over that? I – ouch!”
In danger of losing control of the
situation, the robot zapped Jonah mid-exclamation. “[Protocol error. Please
keep vocal levels normal, and state your view in a civilized manner.]”
“Sorry.” Jonah ran a hand through
his hair. “Just…Bethany wanted help with her calculus notes, and I thought it
would be rude to say no. We just studied, that’s all that happened.”
The bot gave him a quick scan.
“[Party Two’s account is valid,]” it concluded. “[Party One, do you require
clarification?]”
“She asked you for help, though?” Hannah burst out, no longer speaking to the
robot. “Why not Horton, that nerdy kid in the back row who’s always pulling off
perfect grades? He’d be a much better person to ask for help on that subject!”
“Excuse me?”
“[Party Two’s current calculus
grades support the objection,]” URCARU-Bot sided with Hannah. “[Do you have a
defense?]”
Justin wrung his hands for a few
seconds, trying to hold back what he knew, but Hannah’s stare combined with the
robot’s unmoving blue lights cracked him. “Okay, I’ll admit it,” he spoke.
“Bethany did try to flirt with me in
there. She stormed out after I told her she was crazy – everybody knows I’m
already in a relationship. With you.”
Hannah kept staring, but…with a
different intensity.
URCARU-Bot performed another scan.
“[Party Two’s phone data indicates four deleted calls from this ‘Bethany
Simkins’, with no replies on record. Evidence suggests that Party Two’s
affections have not wavered. Party One, do you have any further objections?]”
She couldn’t make a sound. Jonah’s
eyes weren’t as empty to her anymore.
“[Party Two, do you have any
comments?]”
Jonah was also lost for words.
“[Excellent,]” the robot nodded. “[Situation
rectified. Closing Advice: Party One, before any relationship termination strategies
are employed, I recommend first discovering the nature of the event with an
objective perspective, considering all factors – including the testimony of the
other party. Party Two, in order to avoid such a precarious situation to be misinterpreted,
employ strategies to negate the social pressure. Perhaps Bethany could have
been recommended by you to a more astute student, or you could have invited
more people to join the study. Now,]” a daisy grew out of the bot’s hand,
“[offer this to her as a token for reparation.]”
Like a clumsy child, Jonah plucked
the flower from the machine and sheepishly held it out to his sweetheart. The
next action nearly destroyed both gift and giver – Hannah lunged across the
table to envelop her boyfriend in a crushing hug. Her smile was back; the
gloomy clouds began scudding away once more.
URCARU-Bot’s eyes dimmed. “[#55783
to Mainframe: Relationship rectification has reached the Much Uncomfortable
Social Hugging (MUSH) Stage. Requesting immediate deactivation.]”
“[GRANTED]”
The robot shrank back into a common
flowerpot, but the couple barely noticed his departure. The storm was past, the
cliff averted. The sun was out again.
Remember your friendly URCARU-Bot!
*Notes: This account
was for advertisement purposes only: Mainframe is aware of multiple scenarios
with varying complexities – heck, he’s not even done compiling all possible
relationship factors. URCARU services are not yet worldwide. Your support would
be greatly appreciated.
Published in Loomings 2015
Published in Loomings 2015
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