Oregon Trail Diaries

Doctor Who and the Mad Hatter, too! 

April 30, 1848

Here begins the computer-generated journal of The Doctor, formerly a banker. Tomorrow we leave Independence behind to begin our journey west to Oregon City.  We must still purchase the supplies that our Conestoga wagon will hold to sustain us during our long trek.

I hope that the following skills will prove of some use along the trail: sharpshooting, blacksmithing, tracking, commerce/trade.

My travelling companions are Dalek Sec, Who, Nobody, Some Fool, and the Mad Hatter. This oughta get interesting...

--The Doctor

May 1, 1848

Decided not to buy a package deal. I can do better on my own!

Purchased...a bunch of stuff

Another step on the trail; today we reached Blue River.

We will press on until we are exhausted each day.

Decided to ford the river.

There was a wedding in camp today not far from Westport. A joyous occasion in the wilderness!

Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near New Santa Fe; had a very nice chat.

...Mr and Mrs Billings, eh? Very suspicious...

--Who

May 2, 1848

I have been elected captain of the wagon train. I am going to accept position of captain.

Reached Lone Elm. Strangely beautiful country.

These fools. So little do they know of my power. This whole trip is but a ruse to gain power supreme, not only over the wagon train but this new territory. Nay, not only this territory, but the oceans upon which this territory resides. Nay, not only these oceans, but this planet--THESE planets, THIS universe, and all that little floaty stuff...what do they call it? Dark Matter? And what is to be the purpose of this mass conquest? Why surely, it is only that which this mighty brain can comprehend.

Coffee. Its powers are supreme. And only I am worthy to drink it. I will wrest it from these fools. 

--Mad Hatter

May 3, 1848

Saw a mountain lion not far from Blue Mound.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 219 pounds of meat.

[EXTERMINATE THE MOUTAIN LION. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINAAAAAAAAATE!!!!]

--Dalek Sec

We obtained 219 pounds of meat. At once. Why did we put Mad Hatter in charge of the ammunition?  Nobody's feeling good about this trip.

--Who

May 4, 1848

Stetsons are cool. So are bow ties.

--The Doctor

May 7, 1848

We came upon a portion of the trail that was flooded, and had to wait for conditions to improve.

Some Fool drank too much before bed.

--Who

May 8, 1848

We came upon a portion of the trail that was flooded, and had to wait for conditions to improve.

We are still waiting.

I can only play cards with a Dalek so many times...

--Who

May 9, 1848

The trail's flooded. We had to wait for conditions to improve.

We are still waiting.

Dalek Sec tried to exterminate the water. Didn't work. Tried to sonic the wagon wheels but forgot that my screwdriver DOESN'T WORK ON WOOD. This was always going to happen someday!!!!

--The Doctor

May 10, 1848

We came upon a portion of the trail that was flooded, and had to wait for conditions to improve.

We are still waiting.

*BURP*

--Nobody

Who wrote the first part? I mean, not Who. That's me.

--Who

May 11, 1848

The trail's flooded. We had to wait for conditions to improve.

We are still waiting.

We saw a small party of coyotes today, just a mile or so west of Kansas River.

There was a delay at Kansas River. Looks like we'll have to wait our turn.

[EXTERMINATE THE DELAY!!!! AND THE COYOTES!!! EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINAAAAAAAA] *blublublublub*

--Dalek Sec

I pushed him into the river. Bow ties are cool.

--The Doctor

May 13, 1848

Decided to take advantage of the ferry.

The ferry was MINE by rights! My great-granduncle twice removed was a ferryboy under the service of my wicked stepmother. She lived a long time. Therefore, the ferryman was my vassal. AH--once more, my impeccable logic rises to the fore!

--Mad Hatter

May 14, 1848

Passed the hundred mile mark today.

Commenced early today; saw Saint Mary’s Mission.

I saw no missions! Except for Dalek Sec's mission to destroy all the coffee, which the Mad Hatter stopped posthaste. Was forced to sonic the Mad Hatter when he tried to make off with my fez.

Fezzes are cool.

--The Doctor.

Where did the fez come from?

--Who

May 15, 1848

After some concern that we were lost, we saw Red Vermillion River in the distance.

Nobody knew about that river. Next time, we'll ask him first.

--Who

May 16, 1848

Stopped near Scott Spring for a while.

That fellow never moves.

--The Doctor

Would you like some water, Mr. Spring? OH, I'm SORRY...

--Who

May 18, 1848

Played cards with Mr. Tillman today while nooning near Alcove Spring. I suspect he cheats.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 7 pounds of fish.

Nooning with Mr Tillman. This sounds sinister.

--Who

[EXTERMINATE MR TILLMAN. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINAAAAAATE!!!!!!!]

--Dalek Sec

Dalek Sec gambled his laser. And lost. We're all eternally grateful.

--The Doctor

May 19, 1848

Reached Big Blue River about noon--about time!

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.

Passed St. Joseph Road Junction. Road fair to middling.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 13 pounds of meat.

Hey, it just occurred to me. I'm traveling across the wilderness with a Mad Hatter, Some Fool, Nobody, a Dalek, and a bowtie-wearing idiot. How, exactly, did I get here?

--Who

But bowties are--and always will be--cool!

--The Doctor

Case in point.

--Who

We shot two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.

--Nobody

May 22, 1848

We came upon a portion of the trail that was flooded, and had to try to ford through the water.

Bunch of whiners. I AM SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENTS!!! SOME FOOL LEFT MY BACON OUT!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

I said I was sorry!

--Some Fool

May 23, 1848

In good spirits today; got as far as The Narrows.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 11 pounds of meat.

The Narrows are suspiciously wide. I think Dalek Sec arrived before us.

--The Doctor

I always knew we had good spirits. The Mad Hatter already looks tipsy.

--Who

Nobody's lost weight.

--Some Fool

Well, if Some Fool would look where he's AIMING next time...

--Nobody

May 26, 1848

Nooned near “The Coast of Nebraska”.

Made it to Fort Kearny.

Nooned? Who says nooned?

--The Doctor

No I don't.

--Who

May 27, 1848

Got as far as Plum Creek today.

No plums. Bummer. BUT I HAVE COFFEEEEE!!!!!!!! AND GOOD SHPIRITS!!!!

--Mad Hatter

Someone should cut him off.

--The Doctor

Who's going to do that?

--Some Fool

No I'm not. Nobody is.

--Who

Aw, c'mon guys, I tranquilized him LAST time...

--Nobody

May 28, 1848

Nobody has been bitten by a snake. I'm going to use tourniquet/suction method.

If Nobody's been bitten by a snake, who cares?

--The Doctor

Well, I do care a LITTLE...

--Who

REVENGE IS MINE!!!

--Mad Hatter

[EXTERMINATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

May 30, 1848

Terrible fog during the early part of the day. We chose to continue as usual.

Arrived at O’Fallon’s Bluffs.

O'Fallon's bluffing.

--The Doctor

May 31, 1848

Who has cholera. I decided to administer epsom salts.

A sudden duststorm came up today. It seemed best to slow down.

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will slow down.

I dunno. Who has cholera?

--Some Fool

ME.

--Who

Who?

--Some Fool

YES!!!!

--Who

Who's on first?

--The Doctor

No, I have cholera...

--Who

THIRD BASE!!!!

--Nobody

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

--Who

June 3, 1848

In good spirits today; got as far as South Platte River.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 26 pounds of fish.

I GOTTA FISHY, I GOTTA FISHYYYYYY!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

June 4, 1848

Went gathering.  We found edible Breadroot tubers and edible Sumac berries.

Decided to ford the river.

Ford...wasn't there a car company by that name? Or was that Dodge?

--The Doctor

DODGE THIS!!!!

--Mad Hatter

*Splat*

--fish

*Sigh*

--Who

What's a car?

--Some Fool

June 5, 1848

Today we have traveled 500 miles.

Our wagon tipped over. We lost   2 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 1 4-oz. bottle of calomel; 1 8-oz. bottle of hydrogen peroxide; and various other items.

We actually only lost the barrel of gunpowder at first...but everything else kinda followed.

--Who

June 6, 1848

Our wagon tipped over. We lost   1 box of 20 bullets; 1 16-oz. bottle of castor oil; 1 pound of cheese; 1 5-lb. tin of crackers; and various other items.

Mr. Lumare figured we would reach Ash Hollow today, and he was right.

WE LOST CHEESE!! SAVE THE CHEESE!!!!

--Mad Hatter

Could someone please chain him to the wagon before he chases off after it?

--The Doctor

No, Someone stayed behind too.

--Nobody

[YOUR FAMILY NAMES SUCK. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINAAAAAATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

June 7, 1848

We endured an extremely severe thunderstorm today. We decided to continue as usual.

My bad.

--Who

June 10, 1848

Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near Courthouse and Jail Rocks. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.

I tried to get Mad Hatter to drink it.

--Some Fool

That was some goooood coffee.

--Mad Hatter

*strange look*

--Who

He still had good spirits.

--The Doctor

Ah.

--Who

June 11, 1848

Misplaced my guidebook at Chimney Rock today. Luckily we found it before leaving.

Actually, the guidebook got thrown at Dalek Sec when he attempted to stuff Mad Hatter down Chimney Rock.

--The Doctor

June 13, 1848

One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to try to repair it.

We were successful.

We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Scotts Bluff.

Reached Robidoux Pass Trading Post.

Scott's bluffing.

--Who

June 14, 1848

We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.

WHINERS!!! I STILL HAVE COFFEE, SO WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?????

--Mad Hatter

June 15, 1848

We were inconvenienced by a serious thunderstorm. We chose to continue as usual.

Wusses.

--Nobody

I could get used to this whole "elemental powers" thing.

--Who

STOP EATING BEANS.

--The Doctor

Ditch the bowtie, then!

--Who

June 16, 1848

Got as far as Laramie River today.

Given the price, we will take the ferry.

Found a clean, well-formed ox skull a short ways from Fort John; tempted to take it with me, but decided against it.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 13 pounds of fish.

Have you seen the fort of John? Big ox skull and the rest all gone!! Oooooo-- *ZZZZZTTTTT*

--Who

Have you seen the fort of John? Big white walls and the rest all gone! Ooo-- *ZZZZZZTTTTT*

--Nobody

Have you seen the fort of John? Big white johns and-- *ZZZZZTTTTT*

--Some Fool

[EXTERMINATE ALL SINGERS]

--Dalek Sec

June 17, 1848

Happened upon a fresh grave near Register Cliff. A reminder of the hazards we all face on the this journey.

[CLIFF HAS BEEN REGISTERED.]

--Dalek Sec

...buy rifles, gunpowder, cheese, coffee...

--Some Fool

Not that kind of regist--OOF!

--Who

DID SOMEONE SAY COFFEE???

--Mad Hatter

*Moan*

--Who

June 18, 1848

This morning it was very foggy. We decided to continue as usual.

WHINERS!!! MY CHEESE IS HACKED!!!

...I miss my cheese. BUT I HAVE COFFEE AND A SEAT OF POWER!!!

--Mad Hatter

The potty is a seat of power?

--Nobody

WHO SAID THAT??

--Mad Hatter

No I didn't. Nobody did.

--Who

June 19, 1848

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 170 pounds of meat.

[EXTERMINATE ALL MEAT.]

--Dalek Sec

  

June 21, 1848

Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near Ayers Natural Bridge; had a very nice chat.

Mr and Mrs Billings. They must be in league with Mr Tillman and Mr Larmie.

--Mad Hatter

Someone needs to cut you off.

--Who

For the last time, Someone stayed at home!

--Nobody

THIRD BASE!!!

--The Doctor

*Shk-shk*

--Who (cocking the gun)

June 22, 1848

Spotted a group of strangers. We decided to continue at a distance.

[EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

We chained him to the wagon. Making our best time yet!

--The Doctor

June 23, 1848

Came to North Platte River. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 10 pounds of fish.

FISHIES!!! COFFEE!!!! I'M IN EXCELLENT SPIRITS!!!!

--Mad Hatter

*Sigh* Can ANYONE drag him out of that wine cask?

--Some Fool

I doubt it. Anyone's in a different wagon train.

--Nobody

GAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

--Some Fool

June 24, 1848

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 218 pounds of meat.

Decided to take advantage of the ferry.

Approached Mormon Ferry Trading Post today. Some people in our wagon train are very tired of the journey.

Actually, we obtained a genie. I shot him. Good eating--he was magically delicious!

--Mad Hatter

...and I was gonna wish for a SANE travelling companion...

--Who

June 25, 1848

A buffalo stampede blocked our way. We decided to go hunting.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 223 pounds of meat.

We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Emigrant Gap.

Actually, we shot 3235 pounds of meat. Dalek Sec is a great shot. I poured coffee in his plunger as a reward, but I don't think he appreciated it.

--Mad Hatter

Nobody, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TEASING BUFFALO?!?!

--Who

Uhh, chase them towards the Mad Hatter?

--Nobody

Oh yeah.

--Who

June 26, 1848

Today we drove our wagons and teams past Willow Springs.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 204 pounds of meat.

There has been a substantial decrease in whiners on this journey.

--Mad Hatter

June 27, 1848

Rested for a time near Independence Rock.

Subjugated Independence Rock.

--Mad Hatter

And then I set it free.

--Who

Where's all the gunpowder?

--Some Fool

June 28, 1848

The fog was awful this morning. We decided to continue as usual.

We rested a while not far from Devil’s Gate.

[DEVIL'S GATE WAS DISAPPOINTING. NO DEVILS.]

--Dalek Sec

Hey, are those angels?

--Who

DON'T BLINK.

--The Doctor

June 29, 1848

Made our way past Split Rock late today. Trail could be better.

Split Rock was my bad. I sure do love my hatchet.

--Mad Hatter

June 30, 1848

The trail brought us to Three Crossings today.

Saw a small, foul-looking pool of water near First Sweetwater River Crossing. Could be poison; I prevented our animals from drinking it.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

Nooned near Second Sweetwater River Crossing.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

Passed Third Sweetwater River Crossing about noon.

Decided to ford the river.

Goooood coffee....

--Mad Hatter

Nooned? Nobody says nooned anymore...

--The Doctor

No I don't!

--Nobody

Well, who does?

--The Doctor

NO!!!!!

--Who

July 1, 1848

Came to Ice Spring Slough.

MMMM!!! MMMMM!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

We threw him in. He's chilling in a block of ice.

--Nobody

July 2, 1848

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 178 pounds of meat.

Who cares? Nobody, that's who!

--Mad Hatter

STOPPIT!

--Who and Nobody

Wow, everyone's upset.

--The Doctor

No, Everyone stayed home.

--Some Fool

[THIRD BASE!]

--Dalek Sec

YAAAAAAA!!!!!

--Who

July 4, 1848

It is Independence Day and we're going to continue.

Arrived at Final Sweetwater River Crossing.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

Reached South Pass about noon--about time!

There was a wedding in camp today not far from Pacific Springs. A joyous occasion in the wilderness!

The Mad Hatter celebrated Independence Day by subjugating the wagon train.

--Who

July 5, 1848

Made our way past Dry Sandy late today. Trail could be better.

Reached “Parting of the Ways” about noon--about time!

I wish we could part ways with the Mad Hatter. HAHAHAHA--MMMPH!!!

--Who

*splat*

--fish

July 7, 1848

Misplaced my guidebook at Green River today. Luckily we found it before leaving.

Given the price, we will take the ferry.

STOP THROWING THE GUIDEBOOK AT PEOPLE.

--Who

But Dalek Sec--

--The Doctor

[EXTERMINATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

Exactly.

--The Doctor

July 8, 1848

These blasted mosquitoes! We've decided to continue.

YES!! BLAST THE MOSQUITOES!!!

--Mad Hatter

*BLAMBLAMBLAM*

--shotgun

*Sigh*

--everyone else on the wagon train

July 9, 1848

Today we have traveled 1,000 miles!

After some concern that we were lost, we saw Church Butte in the distance.

Today we reached Name Rock.

Big whup. All these miles look the same. FRESHLY SUBJUGATED!!!!

--Mad Hatter

Can we name Name Rock?

--Nobody

Well, what should we name Name Rock?

--Some Fool

Name Rock has already been named Name Rock.

--The Doctor

Everyone, SHADDUP.

--Who

July 10, 1848

Enjoyed some good fiddle music today during our nooning near Fort Bridger.

We're nooning again. What's with that?

--The Doctor

July 11, 1848

Mad Hatter has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.

Lemme get this straight...just because he has the sniffles, he gets MORE coffee?????

--Who

July 12, 1848

The animals are so exhausted they can't continue. We plan to stop and rest awhile.

Even our animals are whiners.

--Mad Hatter

July 15, 1848

The animals are so exhausted they can't continue. We plan to stop and rest awhile.

CATTLE PROD!!!

--Mad Hatter

*ZAP*

--cattle prod

Could someone get the Doctor? The Mad Hatter's been kicked into next week.

--Who

Well, we'll just meet him there then!

--The Doctor

July 16, 1848

Came to Grave Spring. Had a talk with some of the other folks in the wagon train.

Spent the whole day trying to make Grave Spring laugh. Very unsuccessful--not even a giggle!

--Who

July 17, 1848

Heard news of a murder and hanging last night near West End of the Sublette Cutoff. Enough to send shivers down one’s spine.

I thought it was Dalek Sec, but he's still chained to the wagon.

--The Doctor

July 18, 1848

We've come upon an area with bad mosquitoes. We will continue.

Approached Thomas Fork today. Some people in our wagon train are very tired of the journey.

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.

Our wagon tipped over. We lost   3 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 10-lb. sack of shot; 1 spare wagon tongue; 1 4-oz. box of James Fever Powder; and various other items.

I stole Thomas's Fork. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

July 19, 1848

We tipped the wagon and lost   5 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 25-lb. keg of gunpowder; 1 10-lb. sack of shot; 2 shotguns; 1 spare wagon axle; and various other items.

We tipped the wagon and lost   4 boxes of 20 bullets; 2 25-lb. kegs of gunpowder; 1 10-lb. sack of shot; 3 rifles; 2 spare wagon wheels; and various other items.

Nobody has suffered some cuts and abrasions. We'll clean and dress the wounds.

Nobody got hurt? That's great!!

--Who

NO IT'S NOT.

--Nobody

July 22, 1848

Nobody has suffered some cuts and abrasions. We'll rest here awhile.

name] [have/has] an infection, and we're hoping to apply antiseptic to wound.

Today I saw Smith’s Trading Post.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 184 pounds of meat.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 19 pounds of fish.

Who's name] [have/has]?

--The Doctor

No I'm not.

--Who

Diary malfunction.

--Nobody

July 23, 1848

Went gathering.  We found edible Chokecherries, edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots, edible Cattail roots and edible Salsify roots.

Went gathering.  We found edible Elderberries, edible Arrowhead roots and edible Prickly Lettuce leaves.

Hatter, put down the Arrowhead roots. They don't work the way you think.

--Who

July 28, 1848

I just learned that [name] [have/has] an infection. I decided to apply antiseptic to wound.

A very sad day, Nobody has died. We will provide a proper burial.

Nobody has died? Then why are we stopping?

--Who

Aww, COME ON!!!

--Nobody

He still gets to hang around because he's nobody.

--The Doctor

Well, the Doctor died once--didn't stop him.

--Who

12 times, actually.

--The Doctor

July 29, 1848

Camped today near Soda Springs.

Got as far as Sheep Rock today.

Went gathering.  We found edible Plantain leaves, edible Yampa roots and edible Blackberries.

Sheep Rock was disappointing. No sheep.

--Who

Hatter, where are you going?

--The Doctor

WHERE ARE THE COFFEE SPRINGS??

--Mad Hatter

August 3, 1848

Today we saw Fort Hall. What a sight!

Purchased 3 10-lb. sacks of onions, 16 20-lb. sacks of potatoes, 5 8-oz. jars of preserves, 5 10-lb. sacks of rhubarb.

Fort Hall had no halls. Was annoyed by their constant and annoying music, so I pillaged it. Gains: rum and a flamboyant hat.

Feeling pretty good today.

--Mad Hatter

August 4, 1848

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 205 pounds of meat.

I NEED TO FISH!!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

August 5, 1848

Mr. Tillman claims it's the Oregon Territory up ahead, but the guidebook says it's American Falls.

...MR TILLMAN FOLLOWED US!!! A CONSPIRACY!!!

--Who

August 6, 1848

Dalek Sec came down with a bad cold, and I decided to increase fluid intake.

We were treated to a remarkably beautiful sunset near Raft River.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

Our train lost 1 wagon and 2 people crossing the river today.

How does a Dalek even GET a cold??

--The Doctor

...more importantly, how do we even administer fluids??

--Who

Maybe we could pour it in his plunger.

--Some Fool

August 7, 1848

We lost   1 8-oz. jar of dandelion; 1 pound of candy; 1 pound of coffee beans; 1 16-oz. jar of honey; and various other items when our wagon became swamped in the river.

Reached another prominent landmark today: California Trail Junction.

NOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! THE HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE LOSS!!!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

Nobody replenish that coffee!!!!

--Who

Okay, sure...

--Nobody

NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!

--Who

  

August 8, 1848

We've come upon an area with bad mosquitoes. We will continue.

Wusses. A little dynamite takes care of insects just fine. GET ME COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

August 9, 1848

Today we have traveled for 100 days.

For a time today we feared we were lost. We were much relieved to find ourselves at an identifiable location, Caldron Linn.

Forgot to ask Nobody for directions. Some Fool got lost.

--Who

August 11, 1848

Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near Rock Creek; had a very nice chat.

Decided to ford the river.

Camped today near Kanaka Rapids.

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 57 pounds of fish.

FISH!!!!! LOVELY FISH!!!! GLORIOUS FISH!!!!!! How many fishing rods do we have? JUST THE ONE?????? SELL NOBODY AND SOME FOOL!!! SELL THE WAGON AND THE DALEK!!!! GET OUT THE GUNS AND THE DYNAMITE!!!! WE SHALL LIVE HERE WITH THE LOVELY FISH FOR ALL ETERNITY!!!! AND WE SHALL SLAP WITH FISHES THOSE WHO DARE TO OPPOSE US!!!! YUMMY FISH!!! WE WILL EAT WITH COFFEE AND GOOD SPIRITS!!!!!!

--MAD HATTER

August 12, 1848

Near Thousand Springs, had a wagon train meeting to discuss our current circumstances.

Rested the animals near Upper Salmon Falls.

We actually weren't discussing current circumstances. Mad Hatter just tried to subjugate the wagon train again.

--Who

August 14, 1848

The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to slow down.

Passed some time near Three Islands.

Near Snake River, had a wagon train meeting to discuss our current circumstances.

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.

MAD HATTER!!! PUT DOWN THE FISHING POLE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE DYNAMITE!!!

--Who

August 15, 1848

Passed Hot Springs today.

Suspiciously cold.

--Who

Still makes good coffee.

--Mad Hatter

August 16, 1848

It's mighty hot today. We’re going to slow down.

I boiled the water for my coffee with the flames from the wagons.

--Mad Hatter

August 17, 1848

The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to slow down.

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Register Rock.

The weather turned mighty hot, so we’re planning to slow down.

The weather is causing brain damage.

--Who

MY COFFEE IS HOT!!!

--Had Matter

[ROCK HAS BEEN REGISTERED.]

--Dalek Sec

August 18, 1848

Dalek Sec has a bad cold. We're going to increase fluid intake.

We came across an abandoned wagon and decided to search it for something useful.

We did not find anything useful.

Today our labors were rewarded with the sight of Bonneville Point.

Maybe if we just sprayed water in Dalek Sec's direction...

--Who

[EXTERMINATE ABANDONED WAGON. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINAAAATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

...and that's why we didn't find anything useful. Not even a Stetson.

--The Doctor

CALL THAT A REWARD FOR MY LABOR???

--Mad Hatter

August 21, 1848

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 225 pounds of meat.

I don't remember buying an Uzi...where did THAT come from??

--Who

OPEN FIRE!!!

--Mad Hatter

Oh, right.

--Who

August 23, 1848

We stopped along the trail to fish.  We obtained 460 pounds of fish.

By the way, where is the Mad Hatter?

--Some Fool

Maybe we lost him.

--Nobody

Hurray!!

--pile of fish

Oh, there he is. He just went for coffee and a fishing pole.

--Who

{inappropriate comment deleted}

--pile of fish

August 26, 1848

Traded 211 pounds of meat for 1 spare wagon wheel.

I say we should have shot the wheel and MADE IT BEHAVE.

--Mad Hatter

August 27, 1848

One of our wagon wheels broke. We have to trade for a replacement.

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 218 pounds of meat.

Whiners...but a little fish-slapping, and everyone's subjugated!!!

--Mad Hatter

August 28, 1848

The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.

Made it to Fort Boise.

Went gathering.  We found edible Currants and edible Evening Primrose leaves and roots.

Saw buzzards circling today not too far from Final Snake River Crossing. If I were superstitious, I’d call it a bad omen.

Caulk the wagon and float it across, that is the way to go.

The boys in Boise made a lot of noise.

--Who

Shut up.

--the entire wagon train

Someone make the Mad Hatter wash. Buzzards were circling him again.

--Nobody.

Well, THAT'S not a bad omen...

--The Doctor

August 29, 1848

We hope for some rain to settle the dust. For the time being, we'll continue as usual.

Made our way past East Cow Hollow late today. Trail could be better.

Every day our journey comes closer to its end. Today we made it to Lytle Pass.

Reached Malheur River.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

I brought back a Ford to ford the river with.

--The Doctor

You forded the ford with a Ford? Why not four Fords on four fords?

--Who

Fording four fords with four fords? What for?

--The Doctor

PLEASE shut up.

--everyone on the wagon train

August 30, 1848

The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.

Still whining.

--Mad Hatter

August 31, 1848

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.

Reached Farewell Bend about noon--about time!

I said hello to Farewell Bend. I may have ripped a hole in the fabric of space and time.

--The Doctor

September 1, 1848

We're nearly choking on the dust of the trail. We've decided to continue as usual.

Well, if the Mad Hatter would SHOWER once in a while...

--Nobody

Who said that???

--Mad Hatter

I didn't! Nobody did!

--Who

September 2, 1848

The dust from other wagons has gotten bad.  We decided to continue as usual.

The wagon train reached Burnt River Canyon this day.

Burnt River Canyon was my bad entirely. I sure do love my flamethrower.

--Mad Hatter

September 3, 1848

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.

FLAMETHROWER TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

September 4, 1848

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.

Again??

--Who

September 5, 1848

The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.

We laid by today near Flagstaff Hill.

Hit the diary. I think it's stuck.

--Who

September 6, 1848

The eternal dust of the wagons ahead of us is most troublesome. We will continue as usual.

*WHAM WHAM WHAM*

--The Doctor

September 7, 1848

The other wagons are churning up thick dust. We're going to continue as usual.

No, again.

--Who

September 8, 1848

There was a wedding in camp today not far from Grande Ronde River. A joyous occasion in the wilderness!

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

That did it.

--Who

A wedding? I LOVE WEDDINGS!!! DRINKS ALL AROUND!!!

--Mad Hatter

Let's hit Mad Hatter with the diary and solve two problems at once.

--Nobody

September 9, 1848

We saw a small party of coyotes today, just a mile or so west of Emigrant Springs.

Coyote!

*BANG*

--Mad Hatter

September 10, 1848

We came upon some fallen rocks on the trail and decided to try to clear the path.

I threw them at Dalek Sec.

--Some Fool

[EXTERMINATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

September 12, 1848

The animals are so exhausted they can't continue. We plan to stop and rest awhile.

Nooned at Deadman Pass.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 201 pounds of meat.

Nooned? Who says nooned? I thought I fixed that!

--The Doctor

FOR THE LAST TIME...

--Who

September 13, 1848

Today we passed Doe Canyon.

Doe's don't doze down there.

--Who

SHADDUP!!!!

--everyone and their pet poodles

September 14, 1848

Near Whitman Mission Ruins, had a wagon train meeting to discuss our current circumstances.

Well, everyone, we appear to be near some ruins. Let's chain the Dalek to the back of the wagon again.

--Who

  

September 16, 1848

Mr. and Mrs. Billings came by for a visit today near Fort Walla Walla; had a very nice chat.

Fort Walla Walla? Makes me wanna go wallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawallawalla--OW!!!!

--Mad Hatter

Did I fix the diary yet?

--Who

  

September 17, 1848

Saw eagles today near Trail Junction at the Umatilla River. What majestic creatures!

Eagle!

*BLAM*

--Mad Hatter

September 18, 1848

Passed some time near Echo Meadows.

Hello!!!....hello....hello...

--The Doctor

Whooo....whooo....whoo...

--Who

Owls!!!...owls....owls....

*BLAM*....*blam*...*blam*....

--Mad Hatter

YEOW!!!!...yeow....yeow....

--Nobody

Sigh...sigh....sigh...

--everyone on the wagon train

September 20, 1848

Saw eagles today near Four Mile Canyon. What majestic creatures!

[EAGLE!! EXTERMINATE!!!!]

*ZZZZZTTTTTT*

--Dalek Sec

September 23, 1848

The animals are exhausted and can't continue. I've decided to stop and rest awhile.

Stopped near McDonald Ford of the John Day River for a while.

We stopped along the trail to hunt.  We obtained 209 pounds of meat.

Fording the river looks to be our best option.

I'd like a large bacon cheeseburger and a Happy Meal, please...

*two hour pause*

Bummer.

--Who

September 25, 1848

As expected, we made it to Biggs Junction today.

Today we passed Deschutes River.

Decided to ford the river.

Our train lost 1 wagon and 2 people crossing the river today.

We lost   6 boxes of 20 bullets; 1 10-lb. sack of shot; 1 spare wagon tongue; 1 8-oz. bottle of alum; and various other items when our wagon became swamped in the river.

Biggs Junction was suspiciously--

--Who

DON'T EVEN SAY IT.

--Nobody

Aww, we lost our spare wagon tongue?? Now our wagon won't be able to talk!!!

--Mad Hatter

What is he ON???

--Some Fool

Good spirits.

--The Doctor

September 26, 1848

Felt somewhat weary today. Passed The Dalles.

Saw no cowboys.

--Who

September 27, 1848

Today we reached McCord Creek.

Arrived today at Oregon City!! At last we have reached our destination! Truly this is the land of opportunity!

AND THE LAND OF FISH!!!!!!! I AM COMING!!!!!! TRULY THIS IS THE LAND OF FISH AND COFFEE!!!!! HAPPINESS!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

I hope he gets eaten by a shark.

--Who

December 24, 1848

Obtained a land deed today from the county for 395 acres. Now I can begin to build my new life!

Final Score: 5304

Final score? Who's counting?

--The Doctor

Nobody.

--Who

THIRD BASE!!!!

--Nobody

[EXTERMINATE!!!]

--Dalek Sec

FIIIIIISH!!!!!!!!!

--Mad Hatter

RUN!!!!!!

--Some Fool

December 25, 1848

The Doctor originally settled in 1848 in the Willamette Valley of Oregon, but a few years later moved north of the Columbia River into the Washington Territory.

Despite some early success, unfortunate business decisions led to unexpected financial hardships. Still, The Doctor managed to endure.

During the late 1800s, The Doctor wrote a best-selling book about experiences on the Oregon Trail and, widely recognized as a prominent pioneer, became a popular guest speaker at civic ceremonies and luncheons.

Actually, we all moved into a tiny blue box. We were never seen again. Hey, this is bigger on the inside!!

--Who

I know.

--The Doctor