So, today I managed to trip over one of my family's two cats. This isn't unusual--the fat one is ALWAYS underfoot. What made this memorable was that it happened at the top of a flight of stairs.
Once I regained consciousness (and finished naming all the constellations filling up my field of vision), my mind began wandering to other, even more amusing, falling incidents. Naturally, this led me to wonder what it would be like to make the most epic fall ever--i.e., out of an airplane. Owing to my probable concussion, I imagined in great detail what it would be like, down to the inevitable discussion I would have with myself as I fell:
So I'm falling out of an airplane. What should I do first?
Open your eyes and quit screaming like a little girl, maybe? Geez, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you!
I think I wet my pants.
No big surprise there.
Okay, seriously, what should I do?
Well, the first thing to do is figure out how you got here...duh.
I think the emergency door malfunctioned. Or maybe the plane exploded. I feel like I'm on fire. AAAAAAAA!!!! I AM on fire!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, "Stop, drop and roll" ain't gonna work here...let's remove what we can and slap out the rest.
So now I'm gonna die in my undies?
Whoa. You're right. Bad mental image there. Never mind, just slap it out. Let's see, we were at 30,000 feet when we started falling, so now we're around...20,000? Terminal velocity, baby!!!!
*WHACK WHACK* OWWW!!! Hey, neat. How fast is that?
Around 120 miles per hour, but I don't know if that takes into account that we're a freaking STICK. You need to eat more.
Hey, don't YOU start with me. I eat like a horse. Besides, wouldn't more weight make me fall faster? Or is that offset by my smaller surface area?
How the heck would I know? Do I look like a rocket scientist?
Well, ONE of us ought to be. WE WENT TO THE SAME FREAKING CLASSES.
Well, maybe if you'd actually paid attention instead of doodling Ironman suit designs on your paper...
Hey, if I'd actually gotten the suit built, we wouldn't HAVE this issue.
What issue?
We're still falling to our death, right?
...oh, right. Gee, this takes forever.
About three minutes, actually. I looked it up once.
You, my friend, need to get a life. And we've used up about 2 minutes of flight time...let's talk survival.
Let's talk PARACHUTE, dammit!
Oh, you have one? Why didn't you MENTION this?
No, I don't. I was wondering if we could do some McGyver thing and make one out of my clothes.
...got a sewing machine? Or duct tape?
Crap. Okay, landing. What should I do?
Well, we have two options. We could try to land on our feet, and then tuck and roll, which will in all likelihood drive our knees through our brain...or we could land flat on our back and try to distribute the impact.
Will that second option save me?
Well...um...no. But it will make a really cool splat.
Why don't we just aim for the haystack?
Oh. Yeah, that works too, I guess. Definitely land on your back then.
Anything else?
Besides hope that you haven't used up your nine lives yet?
Oh, shaddup.
YOU shut up!
NEVER!
*SPLAT*
"Radar, why are you lying at the base of the stairs?"
"Uh, hi, Mom! Just...umm...resting? And not hallucinating at all!!"
"What?"
"Nothing. Nevermind."
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Captain's Log, Day 61: Brothers by Birth, Friends by Choice
My brother and I were recently accused of being "weird." I want to set the record straight here--we're not "weird," we're "VERY weird!"
Nemesis and I are definitely brothers, although we both hope no one can guess we're related. If we were movie characters, we'd be Megamind and Minion, or Ironman and JARVIS--or Tom and Jerry, depending on if we're in a cooperative mood or not. When not, the house is in danger of imminent destruction. When we are...well, it still is, but it will be more EPIC!!
Nemesis's got this odd, twisted sense of humor (I don't know where that came from--oh, wait, yes I do. DAD) and also got the gift of poetry from somewhere (no clue there), so many of his jokes are expressed in poetic form, causing my arm to spasm in his direction. (It's mostly accidental and uncontrollable, I swear!) I'm addicted to puns, usually causing him to whack me one too. Between our *awful* jokes, we have a decent boxing match.
We've been partners in crime and destruction since he's been able to walk; no chocolate is safe from us, no tree secure from our missiles (true story). We're both creative and sort of "engineering-minded," so we've been able to come up with some fairly cool stuff, including (but not limited to):
--Lego pistols
--Rubber band guns that can kill grasshoppers long-range
--An extensive intercom/two-way-radio system enabling us to contact each other and spy on anyone in the house
--A pirate treasure, complete with map and code, that we recently stumbled upon and can't remember where the treasure is or what the code was (we did a good job)
--Several forts, outdoors and indoors
--A snow fort covering a 25x30 foot area (and thus was impossible to hold against attackers owing to the hugeness of the interior--we always ended up in the keep. We needed about 20 more defenders)
--A snow rifle that refused to function and was abandoned
--A fleet of paper boats that we set on fire or attached fireworks to (or both) that we launched in a tub of water outside
--A treehouse, complete with all the interior switches and dials to enable it to become an airplane, a spaceship, a submarine, a battleship, an AT-AT, etc...
--A rocket launcher that we mounted on our treehouse and terrified cats with
--About 20 modified Nerf guns (and counting!)
--Around 7 animated Lego music videos to various Michael Jackson, Skillet, and Weird Al Yankovic songs
--A lot more really lame movies that shall never be seen by anyone other than ourselves (hilarious but stupid)
--Several holes in the walls of our house (but don't worry--we know how to spackle)
--A radio transmitter that caught fire one day when we were trying to boost the power and short-circuited it
--A secret handshake that ends in a wrestling match
--Several clubs, some of which the girls were allowed to join
--Several secret hiding spots, including one hidden behind a secret panel in the barn that we can't fit through anymore
--And of course, many epic battles with each other, both on the computer and in person.
Brothers by birth, friends by choice, and mortal enemies every full moon or so. I'd better check on my supply of land mines...
Nemesis and I are definitely brothers, although we both hope no one can guess we're related. If we were movie characters, we'd be Megamind and Minion, or Ironman and JARVIS--or Tom and Jerry, depending on if we're in a cooperative mood or not. When not, the house is in danger of imminent destruction. When we are...well, it still is, but it will be more EPIC!!
Nemesis's got this odd, twisted sense of humor (I don't know where that came from--oh, wait, yes I do. DAD) and also got the gift of poetry from somewhere (no clue there), so many of his jokes are expressed in poetic form, causing my arm to spasm in his direction. (It's mostly accidental and uncontrollable, I swear!) I'm addicted to puns, usually causing him to whack me one too. Between our *awful* jokes, we have a decent boxing match.
We've been partners in crime and destruction since he's been able to walk; no chocolate is safe from us, no tree secure from our missiles (true story). We're both creative and sort of "engineering-minded," so we've been able to come up with some fairly cool stuff, including (but not limited to):
--Lego pistols
--Rubber band guns that can kill grasshoppers long-range
--An extensive intercom/two-way-radio system enabling us to contact each other and spy on anyone in the house
--A pirate treasure, complete with map and code, that we recently stumbled upon and can't remember where the treasure is or what the code was (we did a good job)
--Several forts, outdoors and indoors
--A snow fort covering a 25x30 foot area (and thus was impossible to hold against attackers owing to the hugeness of the interior--we always ended up in the keep. We needed about 20 more defenders)
--A snow rifle that refused to function and was abandoned
--A fleet of paper boats that we set on fire or attached fireworks to (or both) that we launched in a tub of water outside
--A treehouse, complete with all the interior switches and dials to enable it to become an airplane, a spaceship, a submarine, a battleship, an AT-AT, etc...
--A rocket launcher that we mounted on our treehouse and terrified cats with
--About 20 modified Nerf guns (and counting!)
--Around 7 animated Lego music videos to various Michael Jackson, Skillet, and Weird Al Yankovic songs
--A lot more really lame movies that shall never be seen by anyone other than ourselves (hilarious but stupid)
--Several holes in the walls of our house (but don't worry--we know how to spackle)
--A radio transmitter that caught fire one day when we were trying to boost the power and short-circuited it
--A secret handshake that ends in a wrestling match
--Several clubs, some of which the girls were allowed to join
--Several secret hiding spots, including one hidden behind a secret panel in the barn that we can't fit through anymore
--And of course, many epic battles with each other, both on the computer and in person.
Brothers by birth, friends by choice, and mortal enemies every full moon or so. I'd better check on my supply of land mines...
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