I was doodling on my Fluid Mechanics homework the other day, drawing dinosaurs in TIE fighters, when I suddenly wondered...would I manage to survive an apocalypse?
You'd think an mad scientist like myself would be able to avoid death quite easily, especially given the fact that I have an interstellar transport ready to beam me off-planet at a moment's notice (which I accidentally activated the other day upon being startled by a sparrow, so I know that works), but the rest of you might need a little help. I debated about whether or not to publish my Guide to Surviving an Apocolypse or not...see, on the one hand, I'm supposed to be an EVIL mad scientist, and as such I don't want my record sullied by allegations of helpfulness...but on the other hand, ruling the planet isn't as much fun if there is no one to use as test subjects for the new portal gun I'm inventing...
Anyway, here's the compromise. I'm publishing part of my guide. And to counteract that, I'm creating an apocalypse. Enjoy!
Now, there are many different kinds of apocalypse, and they all must be approached differently. Let's start with the most basic: The Giant-Asteroid-Hits-Earth Apocalypse. This is arguably the hardest to counteract, because let's face it, most of you DON'T have interstellar transports ready to beam you off-planet at a moment's notice, and the few of you who did just had their transports destroyed by a bored mad scientist. You really should have put your shields up. Really, the only thing to do is hope the asteroid doesn't hit you and hope that I eventually need test subjects beamed aboard my transport. Good luck!
The second type of catastrophe that may occur is called the Jurassic-Park-Is-No-Longer-A-Movie Apocalypse. My advice? Get some heavy-duty weaponry and hide in some seriously fortified bunkers until I need test subjects. And if this event actually does occur, I apologize in advance for the faulty workmanship that was done on the electric fence that was keeping my dinosaurs in. They were supposed to be guarding my secret fortress...
Another world-ending event is called the Zombie Apocalypse. I think this one would be the most fun, at least for those of you who want to be turned into zombies for the fun of scaring your buddies. Just don't blame me if they get all trigger-happy.
Let's see, where was I...ahh, yes, the Nuclear-Explosion Apocalypse. This is a little tricky due to the randomness of mutation, but basically you hope you're far enough from the blast to not die instantly, but close enough to mutate into something neat to survive the coming wasteland that Earth turns into. Try for Wolverine; he's pretty cool. And I'll mention to my minions to quit playing "Catch" with my stockpile of bombs. They've got good hands, but accidents happen...
Plague Apocalypse: Again, hope that you mutate, instead of die, from the plague. I suppose if you don't want to be adventurous, you could wear some sort of biohazard suit, but that's just cheating...
The-Internet-Develops-Consciousness-And-Turns-On-You Apocalypse: You really should have seen this coming. Try disconnecting your computer, turning off your phone, and never boarding an airplane again. You can try to confuse it with a paradox, but that might just make it mad, so be careful.
Aliens-Take-Over-The-Planet-Destroy-The-World-And-Turn-Humans-Into-Food Apocalypse: Try to prove that you have some sort of useful ability, like cooking or servile labor. This is actually a good type of apocalypse, because it gets rid of all the scum in our society, such as lawyers, pop stars, talk show hosts, and Justin Bieber. And don't worry too much; I'll already have an alliance with said aliens, so I'll be able to continue testing out evil inventions!
I-Take-Over-The-Planet-And-Relocate-Everyone-To-Another-Planet-On-Which-Live-Dinosaurs Apocalypse: This differs from the previously mentioned apocalypse only in how the aforementioned society drains are disposed of. The same survival procedure follows here; find a useful skill such as computer programming or alligator keeper, and you might be promoted from "Dinosaur Fodder" to "Test Subject." And if you really play your cards right, I might make you in charge of stopping the hero who comes to dispose of me. It's a very prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition!
These are just some of the possible world-ending scenarios, but I'm not giving you the full list because that's just too helpful. Anyway, have fun, and watch out for the zombified dinosaurs...I'm missing about 20 of them...
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