Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Captain's Log, Day 16: *swish* *swish* *POW* GOT HIM!!!!!!!!

          Our walls are going to need some major repair work…I was put on flyswatting detail today. Let’s just say I have no setting between “off” and “maximum power.”
          As I’m chasing those stupid buzzing little freaks of nature (nothing should be able to dodge that fast!), I started to wonder how badly G-forces affected flies. After a few misses, I started to realize the truth; none whatso-freaking-EVER!!! It was a little depressing for me, as I was kinda hoping to fool them into turning too fast, blacking out, and drifting to the ground where I could pummel them at my leisure. No such luck.
          I continued on (“Hold still you little bugger…” *POW* “Need some spackle here!”), my mind still in its pursuit of a weakness in these ABOs; Annoying Buzzing Objects, and yes, I did just make that up. I kept thinking of the one Calvin and Hobbes comic strip—“I wonder if flies get dizzy and barf?”—and wishing that they would just hold still the .5 seconds it would take for them to throw up, because that’s all the time I would need to permanently bond their component atoms to whatever surface they were sitting on. After an amazing midair smackdown of a fly I had privately named the Red Baron (there’s irony for you), I remember that I would end up having to clean up the fly’s lunch as well as the fly. Yuuuuck…
          An hour and 35 flies later, I decided to liven up the chase. I went down to my room to get my Longshot. I learned the hard way that no matter how accurate a Nerf gun is, there’s no why you’re gonna hit a fly unless you somehow trap it in the barrel before pulling the trigger. I made two kills that way before returning it to my room in favor of traditional method of flyswatter.
          Actually, I do have a good method of killing flying pests that I stumbled on by accident. I was using a weedwhacker around the doghouse when a bunch of angry wasps came shooting out. I yanked up the weedwhacker and decimated their ranks before retreating to the house for some Raid to soak the doghouse with. Unfortunately, weedwhackers are on Mom’s top “1000 Things That Are Not Allowed Indoors.” Umm, I might also be on that list, but I’ve never actually checked.
          One last idea that never got off the ground was the "Fireworks Coated With Honey" experiment. The theory was that I rig some tiny fireworks, add a little bit of honey over the explosive, and blow them from a distance as soon as the fly landed. However and unfortunately, my parents know all too well what "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!" means. I've been banned from using explosives to control pests. I still think that would have worked...
          Anyway, I’m done now, so I can kick back and—FLY!!!! *POW*—never mind, I’m back on duty. Who let the dog out??

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