Thursday, July 7, 2011

Captain's Log, Day 17: Rock-Bonking and Whale Wrestling

          We are not the only sentient creatures on the planet.
          NO, I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE MICE AND DOLPINS. I’m not pulling a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy pun here (although that is a great book), I’m talking about octopuses and squids! Or is that ocopi and squid? I bet they have it figured out.
          Think about this one for a second: both of these things have brains for each of their multiple arms!! They don’t have bones!!! They manufacture their own ink!! They can take down whales!!! (Well, the squids can anyway. Can you do that, Captian Ahab?) And you expect me to believe that they’re not intelligent? Geez, I bet they have nuclear plants that run down underwa—silly me, what am I thinking? They have volcanoes down there; they’d use geothermal. Duh.
          I bet they have underwater kingdoms, although I’m trying to decide who would rule, octopus or squid. See, squid are bigger and stronger, but that might mean they’re the working army. I mean, if you were a ruler, would you want to wrestle your own whale? Of course not, you’d have the servants do that! Unless, of course, whale wrestling is how you prove your leadership, but I’d expect more of a multi-brained creature with geothermal power.
          This naturally makes me wonder what kind of weaponry they have. Or if they have weaponry, even…would one really need a handgun down in the depths? Maybe if you came across a shark, but I don’t know if they bother octop—WAITASEC!!! They do have weapons and the sharks know it!! That’s why they never hurt an octopus, because they know we short-sighted humans never bring our guns when surfing! Team Humanity: 0. Team Octopus & Squid: 2. Ooh boy…
          Back to the multiple brain thingy. We lowly humans need to think about what our hands are doing; octopuses, presumably, can operate eight computers and find out later what each arm wrote. Think about the advantages in calculus! I bet they came up with differential equations while we were still bonking each other on the head with rocks (which might also lead to another theory on why humanity seems so dumb today—our ancestors all had brain damage).
          And the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy called dolphins and mice the smart ones? Give me scuba gear, I’m going to go apologize and then surrender to the real rulers of the planet. Maybe they’ll teach me calculus…

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