Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Captain's Log, Day 35: Five Uses for Eggplant

         "My middle name is Eggplant. My first name is NO."
          This declaration was made by my brother Nemesis over dinner, as the parental unit discussed upcoming meals. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for my poor brother), the eggplant will in all likelihood appear over lunch tomorrow, when I'm out of town on a job.
          One of my siblings' favorite quotations--can't remember where they got it--is "If scientists could find a use for it, we wouldn't have to eat it to get rid of it!" I think this is very true. Scientists should get a move on--WAIT JUST A COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE HERE. I'm a scientist!!! Granted, I'm more of an evil scientist, but I suppose I could make a contribution to humanity. But ONLY this once. And some of my suggestions may be slightly evil. I've got a reputation to maintain, you know!

          1)          Defend your planet.
          I hate to say this, but for this to work, we're gonna have to stockpile the stuff. When the alien invaders arrive (yes, they're coming--didn't you know this??), offer them the best of Earth's bounty in exchange for them not invading. Then send 'em all the eggplant on the planet. Once they see the nastiness, they'll automatically assume that if this is the best we have to offer, they might as well give us a pass because we're no threat and there's nothing to take anyway. On the other hand, they might also annihilate us so the eggplant doesn't spread to the any other part of the galaxy. So there's a small risk here.
          2)          Use them for fuel!
          But NOT for you--that kinda defeats the purpose. Give them to the bugs, let them rot and collect the methane. I'm pretty sure this would work; it works with horse crap, which is not quite as bad as eggplant...

          3)          Self defense.
          Bully at school? No problemo. HIT HIM WITH AN EGGPLANT!!!!! 'Nuff said.

          4)          Practical jokes...
          So your brother tucked a frog into your bed? Slip a few eggplant slices between his sheets. One of two things will happen; either he'll leave you alone in the face of such a devastating retaliation, or he'll up the ante. Which brings me to my final use for eggplant...

          5)          CANNON FODDER!!!
          I am currently testing an eggplant launcher which, when finished, will probably be confiscated by the US government as a weapon of mass destruction, but I'll try to post some plans before I'm dragged off to the Crowbar Hotel. Uhh, wait, I have an army of robots and an eggplant launcher--I'm not going anywhere. Maybe I'll mount eggplant launchers on all my robots...

          6)          Bonus use--as an incentive!
          Any who side with me during my world conquest will never see an eggplant again. All who resist will be force-fed an eggplant every day for the rest of their lives. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......................

          *Ahem* Anyway, print this list out and the next time someone offers you an eggplant, pull out this list and explain--ahh, never mind. Just whack him with the eggplant
          You're welcome.

1 comment:

  1. Only you would think of these things!!! But, I'm on your side!! :D